Here’s a story by Bryan Kress, my bestie. Enjoy.

In The Time of the Knights

Part 1

By: Bryan Kress

 

“Have at ye good sir!” Edward yelled. “Ugh…Edward shut it, you’re not a knight. You are our prisoner.” Sir Jonathon said as if he has said it many times before. “But, I AM a knight!” Edward replied, saying not only for Sir Jonathon but for the rest of the knights as well. “You are a time travelling witch who we captured in the woods and no matter HOW many times you tell us we will not believe that you are actually a knight, so shut it and let us handle this!” Sir Jonathon shot back, he was starting to become extremely annoyed with Edward as this was becoming a daily argument. “I am too! I know knight stuff…like dragons and swords!” Edward whined. “Dragons. Are. Not. REAL.You imbecile!” said Sir Jonathon. “I feel as if you don’t respect me as a knight,” said Edward. “THAT”S BECAUSE YOU AREN’T A KNIGHT!!!” yelled Sir Jonathon. At this point the small French infantry Sir Jonathon and his men were sent to capture had been surrounded them because of his and Edward’s squabble. “SURRENDER NOW OUR BE KILLED!” a French knight yelled. “OH look what you’ve done Edward!” Sir Jonathon yelled. “I think you started it…I was ready to fight.” Edward said, softly.

“So at least the shackles aren’t too tight…” Edward said, trying to divert the evil glares given off by the rest of the knights he helped get captured, “This isn’t what I imagined when I was growing up, you know learning to be a knight an stuff…in this time period.” Edward added.  “You see why we say you’re a time traveler, you keep trying to convince us you’re from this time period, you keep asking if this is really the year 1124, you were wearing clothes not seen in any land I’ve been to, and you keep asking if we’ve seen something called a Family Guy!” Sir Jonathon said, writhing with fury. “Quiet your mouths!” one of the Frenchmen yelled at the group. “Hey fuck you frenchy!” Edward yelled back. “Well I feel as if I got us into this, so as a knight I will get us out of this situation.” Edward said to his fellow knights. “Fine, do as you wish. Just don’t get killed.” Sir Jonathon said, wishing that he did get himself killed.

“Hey frenchy, let me out I have magical powers n’ shit.” Edward said, winking at Sir Jonathon. “What did you say? Prisoner?!” the French guard asked. “I got time travel powers and I have a warning for you, and the French” Edward replied. The French guard thought for a moment and then said, “Alright we’ll see,” he let Edward out of the cell and said, “Wait a moment, I’m going to get someone else to deal with you.” Right as the guard turned his back Edward threw his arms around the guard’s neck and strangled him with his shackles. “Well…that worked.” Edward said to himself. He picked up the guard’s keys and unlocked his shackles. He then let out the rest of his knight brothers. “I can’t believe that A) worked AND B) they only have one guard down here with us.” Edward said to Sir Jonathon. “Well they are French.” Sir Jonathon said. “Ah yeah!” Edward exclaimed and lifted his hand, expecting a high-five. “What is that you are doing?” Sir Jonathon asked. “Oh nothing…” Edward replied, disappointed.

 

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2/2/2011 8:14

Day two and I was running out of ideas. Perhaps this venture does ill for my writing reputation. Regardless, I press forward. Today I tackle my ever growing concern that there are only strangely unattractive people looking for odd fetishes on the internet. I was already aware that this notion may be accurate, but I decided to do some investigating. Where could I go to investigate these suspicions? I steered away from my internet hate engines that I frequent, and opted for Craigslist.com, which should be renamed “Here is my penis, I am desperate to get some attention. P.S., I cannot guarantee that I am a male.”

Don’t believe me? I dare you to go to craigslist, click “casual encounters”, click “has image”, and go to town. In this maze of cock shafts and bullet wound looking vagina’s, there is so much desperation that it’s almost sad. I mean come on, there’s a reason most of you are on craigslist; you are the lowest point in sexy since 7th grade gym. It’s funny how drawn to these people I am.

On a less serious note, I gotta’ point out that I have actually started to spot the same people day after day reposting their pictures, exposing their empty potato sack shaped bodies in dim lighting that really show cases how they must have fired the gardener (if you get what I mean) and their self respect as well. Seriously, go outside and pretend yo have a life. Just aimlessly wander the streets, pretending birds over head are small Nancy Reagans and you just “..Not going to take it (Anymore)”

But what does it say of me that I troll (fishing, not 4chan-ing) craigslist for juicy posts. Juicy is almost factually accurate, and that’s the disturbing part. It must not say anything good about me, looking at others plea for road head and random ‘tang and getting joy out of their loneliness. Or it says all I ever wanted to say: Humanity is nothing more than an ugly race of overly masturbatory race of shameful hairy fish/monkey mutants, all striving for a piece of real actions, seeing how the human hand is obviously designed to hold a gun (You’re welcome Sarah Palin, you and your awesome notions about the Earth, Jesus, and the “gay menace”, as I assume that is what you call homosexuals. Get with the program and call them Ellen’s or Elton’s already, sheesh.)

Next on my agenda this fine evening, which strikes a shocking resemblance to Bryan Kress’s sex life (Cold, barren, and miserably white all over), I’m going to quickly try to help anyone who may read me. I need a job, it’s miserable, blah blah blah. So, to help myself Karmatically, I’m offering you assistance in the job market. go to realstyle.com. It’s an agency for movie and television show extras. There is a one time sign up fee, but they do get you work. Get on it and get paid to do what we’re all good at, sitting around looking cool and avoiding looking into cameras. Also, if anyone has any information concerning an open job, let me know and give me a good reference. That, or become my sugar daddy/mama. That’s also pretty neat.

So to help any skimmers out, here you go: tl;dr Craigslist is full of creepers, it can brighten up your day and make you feel in shape, there a link above on extraing, and get me a job.

Toodles.

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Tila Tequila, First album/band review, and more

I guess Tila Tequila has a lesbian sex video that just leaked. I have no information concerning this (wink wink). Anyway, that’s all I have to say about that. Ok, I know my audience so far, so there’s a link at the bottom. Warning, graphic blah blah, you’re mature people here, right? I hope so.

Next up on the agenda, I shall take a shot at doing an album review. Might be difficult, so I put aside more recognizable musicians and artists for lesser known contributors. This time a band I actually found, rather than my overly helpful heterosexual life partner, Bryan. You’ll learn more about him later. Let’s get folk-y. Bon Iver is a deep band that stirs depths inside you previously reserved for overly nostalgic reunions and the occasional 4 am stay up session (I get seemingly depressed at 4 am. I never figured out why) Now to explain the stirring depths aforementioned. Each song is so lyrical and deep that I considered and may have even taken it out of context for an AP English assignment as displayed it as an outright poem.

Using symbolic lyrics to connect deep and seperate emotions together is but one crowning achievement in this albums favor. Looking at ‘Flume’, the opening track, you see that deep connectivity I mentioned. Each verse working towards this strange brew that captivates the listener. “Only love is all maroon/Gluey feathers on a flume/Sky is womb and she’s the moon.” Deep. Yes, I keep saying deep, I’m well aware. However, considering the multitude of meanings behind these lyrics, it seems fitting. It’s melodramatic in the best sense, enticing as it is soul warming. Especially when you move to ‘Skinny Love’, an upbeat yet almost angry ode to his (Justin Vernon) beloved, shown with boisterous lines like “I told you to be patient I told you to be fine I told you to be balanced I told you to be kind Now all your love is wasted? Then who the hell was I? Now I’m breaking at the britches And at the end of all your lines.” It’s emotional, with split ends that come due to slight abuse over time. Can someone say direct link to relationships and their rough patches?

I won’t go into much deeper details, mainly because I look back and realize this isn’t top notch work, but hey, live and get loves.  For Emma, Forever Ago is worth the hassle to find it. It’s soulful, playful, and emotional. And hey, Kanye liked them enough to feature them in 6 songs on his new album. They get around. As should you. Musically of course, I don’t mean go get VD or something. Link for naughty fun time down below, and yes, I am degrading myself by posting it here. You’re welcome.

 

 

 

http://www.egotastic.com/video?bc=773649852001&w=640&h=480&info=Tila%20Tequila%20Lesbian%20Sex%20Tape

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7:28 pm, 2/1/2011

As it stands, most stories have an introduction. So allow me then to give you mine. I am Marco Catalfio, obnoxious Italian, or Irishman, or whatever I decide is more important of my mutt ancestors. I am average in all ways sans personality. The proff is in the previous sentence; I used the word “sans.” Seems “Straight legit” as my peers like to say. And there, I referred to my peers as my peers, rather than friends. I am quite serious it would seem. I must admit that without spell check all hope would be lost on this wordy voyage. Moving right along. Goal wise, I would strive for once a day, or daily if you would, rather than opting out for the lazier option of weekly, or the dreaded bi-weekly. Slothfulness gets us nowhere fellow writers. But I digress; you readers don’t need to fret over me addressing you. I promise not to require tribute for an audience. Yet.

As my egotistical side waxes on into the final sentence of the previous paragraph, I strive for it to wane here, in the body paragraphs. Ohhhh, the meat in my EDHS writing burger should be juicy alright. How awful it is to think of writing and food together. Pray we never get them mixed up; I don’t believe novels are that soothing on the internal working of your standard human. Good fiber I suppose. There you have it, writing and literature keep ya’ regular. Especially when I constantly spew forth such remarkably shitty comments like that. Movin’ right along, Dunk-a dunk dunk-a dunk, foot loose and fancy free. Muppets everybody, muppets. It might go without saying that I’m pretty whacky. I imagine that saying in the voice of a middle aged woman from Wisconsin. Sorry to the fine people of Wisconsin, but your voice is a mockery in my cranium.

Next. Objectively speaking, covering subjects as tasteful as music, reading, and the miscellanea seems like the best jumping off point for a bored, 19 year old writer who is secretly wagging war to become a better journalist than his friend. Shame on her for stealing my ideas of grandeur. Seeing how this first entry is nothing more than a synopsis of what is to come, I won’t go into greater depth this evening about the subject matter. (Note to my preexisting or soon to be fans: Pornography isn’t out of the question. Wink wink) I am always open to ideas, by the way. Who doesn’t appreciate when others do the leg work for them? It’s all part of the loyalty here people, work with me.

Speaking of work, that accidental segway totally brings me to the secondary purpose of this blog: I’m unemployed! How cool is that? If you’re thinking “not very”, then you’re my mother and need to stop thinking that way. Unless yo want to be my mother. Totally your choice man. Blogging will help get the creative juices flowing, and maybe someone will see it, read it, love it, contact me concerning it, and make a movie with a premise based around the inevitable book deal I’ll have, naming the movie “Julie and Julia.” Wait, that’s already taken? Curses. I knew that, I really did.

Finally I’d like to close this opener (Odd to say, close this opener) with this: I need money and a future. Hit me up concerning both, and enjoy my writings in the process. P.S., I enjoy stealing your ideas. So anyone who wants a piece featured on here (I know, jumping the gun with this one, but deal with it) just drop me a line at gomarco91@aol.com.

Sincerely yours,

Marco The Amazing. That’s my magician name if all else fails.

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As of February 1st, 2011, I shall embark on my mission to become a serious writer through the modern means at my disposal. However, I do not know what I should begin with. The world will soon know my creativity.

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