For just a moment, imagine that everywhere you that doesn’t strictly enforce a “Shoot on sight” policy, everyone there wore beanies, ill fitting tight jeans, and maybe even gauges if that’s your thing. Alright, now where is this imaginary land of overly political, under informed douche bags? If you said all around you, or any other answer that works with this analogy, then you are correct. We, as a nation, have been over run but the youth that loves to carry on about irrelevant bullshit and listen to pretentious music.
Well, I don’t know what defines a hipster anymore. Everywhere you look there are hip and trendy people, “cool cats” and “lounge lizards”, blacks and Asians. (They’re all cool. See what I’ve done? I trapped you with guilt. If you say they aren’t, then you’re doomed buddy.) Real quick, I want to point out that “blacks” doesn’t need to be capitalized, but “Asians” does. Suspicious, ehh? Crafty little shoe makers, like elves with visual problems. I said it, come at me. I wish I could take credit for this observation, but I am not the first to notice this. I could be the last if the world comes to an abrupt end, but I’m an Optimus. Not and optimist, but a full fledged Optimus Prime. It’s a neat party trick. Also, I’m going to plug another website here. It’s a comic, relax, I know reading makes the erections go away, I’ve been there. So laughs will help. Hipsters included. http://thepunchlineismachismo.com/archives/540
So now that I’m tanking my credibility with statements like those aforementioned, I’m going to keep going on my hipster attack. But not on the side you might think: I’m pro Hipster. Why? Because it’s an easy demographic to fall into, seeing how they expect a lot out of little, or vice versa, depending on the circumstances. Notice that last line was a joke about Hipsters wanting a lot for nothing? Eye opening, isn’t it. But come on, who better to write about them than one of them? A tainted perspective is still a perspective that can be trusted, especially if you want to become more like me. And by that I mean jobless, friendless, and carless. It broke down, and now I have to fix it. Aw Schucks.
But in all honesty, what’s the big deal about hipsters? We pay taxes, occasionally. We stimulate the economy, with illegal downloads of products. Wait, am I arguing for and against my opinion? I am. It’s called an internal dialogue people. (Yes, it’s technically a monologue, but I pretend I have another person in my head. He looks sort of like this)
I hope you got a chuckle out of that. Now since I don’t want to actually resolve anything with the hipster thing, I’m moving along to social commentary and jokes. Huzzah for all. First, I want you to picture any animal in any movie that is cute and kind. go one?
Alright, now let’s just take the cute chipmunks out of their adorable clothing (Furries, calm down), and replace them with something a little less cute.
Now I want you to imagine that poor creatures attempt to have a singing career, Not so fun and pretty, is it? Nope. That would be an awful idea. However, this is a relatively untapped market. Ugly animals trying to do every day things, like become a professional singer or a marketing consultant. Yeah, I bet Hollywood would love the idea. Oh wait, sarcasm doesn’t travel via text as well as it does in person or audio recording. It would be awful, some grotesque vulture trying to make it to manager at McDonald s. Yet I would often drive to that McDonald’s and just watch him attempt daily human life without the evolutionary advantage that is the thumb. Eat it animal kingdom, you and all your evolutionary traits like claws, or fang, or wings… wait, all we got was thumbs? That blows. Guess that’s what we get, because we all know what you would do if you could fly or live underwater some some other goofy scenario. Exactly, become a super hero.
That brings me to my next point: Screw Superheros. Oh look, you can fly and have heat vision and stuff. What about the average man who has to struggle with E.D., or V.D.? I think all Superheros should have to maintain the appearance of regular people when in disguise, but they have to have some major flaw. Like, have The Flash walk around as a homeless man who makes sculptures out of materials that smell oddly like poo. Now that’s a superhero.
Alright, so I attacked animals, people and super people. What’s left for today? You tell me.