College thus far

Well, I can actually claim to be in a college class at the moment, which bolsters me above the surroundings I hail from. Here’s looking at you Eastpointe. It’s enjoyable. I also have come to realize that the first assignment I did in class last week was in fact done wrong to quite a few measures. It means I started the semister off right in my books. That b eing said, I am left to ponder what I will do for this class in general. With it all coming together in the end as a portfolio, I have to decide what I shall write about. Easy, right? I will most likely rule out poetry. Necver been gifted in that regard. Although I coukld pump out haikus would be something I could do just to annoy the teacher. Not a wise idea. I do want to toy with the idea of a new fangled “emotobook”, or just a pumped up fan fiction really. Google the term if you haven’t heard of it. Not my job to educate you. My blog must feel neglected, having little action in months. Then again, no one reads it, so it all works out. The idea of running off with a roving band of gypsys still sounds like a solid way to ruin my life. But damn it all if it isn’t my life to ruin! On a side note, I’m still unsure what I want to actually do now; I have renounced my culinary career aspects as to date. Now that shouldn’t be a shocker. After working 50 some odd hour weeks for the past 4 or 5 months, it becomes a little wearing. I need some great idea. I still open to the idea of making an incredable website or some stellar band, making a fortune. Need to investigate the idea more. But for now I’ll stop complaining and do college stuff. Well, Macomb College stuff. So someone pass the weed and inevitable failure at a 4 year university.

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Personal journal time

I have not been up to blogging lately, and I kinda feel, umm, bad about it? Exactly, bad. How strange it is that I feel like I’ve become even lazier than usual. And this laziness is actually reflected in my physical apperance; I’ve grown unhappy with my body lately. I feel like I’ve put on some weight or something. I love being raised by a single mother, as it affords me the great luxery of having “female body vision”. I might have to coin that term. It means simply that whenever I look in a mirror, I’m unhappy about what I see. It’s pretty cash if I do say so myself. So, not on;y do I need to actually utilize this blog more, but I need to stop being such a couch potato. Well, more accurately a bed potato, as I hang out on my bed. Not to mention the asinine amount of sleep I seem to require on a daily basis. I mean seriously, either I’m sleeping so much because I’m not active, or I’m part pokemon, Abra to be percise. Kids, google the original pokemon and look up Abra. That dude sleeps all the time, which rocks.

Next item: Facial hair. So, I shaved it off and regained my beautiful androgynous 12 year old fat kid look. And that encouraged my significant other, who shall go nameless seeing how much she hates to be wrapped up in the “girlfriend/boyfriend thing”, to mock me and say I need to grow it back. So here I am, mostly bearded again, and I have to say that growing a beard really hurts when it’s first emerging. I don;t know if anyone else gets super irritated skin when growing, or rather attempting to grow a beard. i say attempting because I do not believe I know anyone else that grows a really admirable beard. I have to say, it hurts a lot. But I think the best prescription for that is a case of “man the fuck up”; it’s easy to be a bitch these days.

And while I write this I watch television. I bring this up to inform you of something you might not have been aware of: Any show that hails from Japan is ultimately doomed to be bastardized by the American translations. Yes, I am talking about Anime. And yes, I know it’s awful, so don’t remind me. But still, go and watch any anime show in it’s original Japanese form with subtitles and then watch it voiced dubbed for Americans. It’s a completely different show. But it’s still a steaming pile of crap.

However, if Pokemon looked like this, we would have never stopped watching it

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Delayed and Frayed

Hello again. My apologizes about the lack of blog action yesterday. I was slightly out of it yesterday; I fell asleep at like 8. No, I didn’t go to sleep. One moment I was sitting on my bed, the next I was waking up today. Neat-o. So anyway, I don’t have a solid topic for today; rather I want to talk about random little things that I imagine or do that I feel are singling me out as a weirdo. Now hold your mixed reactions here folks (Haha, folks. Who says that anymore. I honestly do. I feel antiquated because of it.) Well, I guess that’s the start right there. I like to use large words and outdated words. Honestly, I get a verbal hard on when I watch programs or read anything that uses an older dialect. Like Downtown Abbey, a mini series on Public Television that was simply irresistible. I end up becoming overly wordy and alter my dialect to sort of match theirs. Take for example the movie True Grit. I was texting at some point in the movie, because I’m a naughty boy. My associate or whomever I was texting asked “What’s with the Shakespearian shit.” I laughed and realized that I rather enjoy older forms of English. I feel like we speak some overly bastardized form of pig Latin.  However, this doesn’t prevent my next oddity that is uncontrollable and often random. Let’s say the word “ham” come up. You wanna know something? In my head, whenever someone says “ham”, I yell out (mentally of course, so as to avoid looking like a loon) “I be goin’ ham, shorty upgrade from bologna!” Yes, that’s right, I think in rap lyrics. I know Bryan Kress also has this problem.

Curse you Kanye.

Now I can’t hear the words “18 years”

Well, as you must know by now, the title is really accurate today. I’m going to keep this particular post short and lively, seeing how I’m not super comedic tonight. I’m going to see what else I can do to keep it alive, the post it is.

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Music to watch for, as said by Me

Alrighty my snobby friends, here’s my first thought of the day: we need better music. All of us do. I mean really, how long can we just switch on the radio and pretend that we aren’t disgusted in some way by the fact that Rhianna’s music from last year is still blaring out of our speakers. Oh that was cool. My spell checker knows who Rhianna is. That right there makes me a tad disgruntled. Really, c’mon, and are you serious shall follow. So, this blog is going to help expand your musical horizons. Hopefully you find something to your liking, or hopefully you make a quick fortune and pay me off to write about your choice of bands. Now I have to admit that I still had and maybe ever have some musical limitations; breaking out of years of close minded musical tastes is difficult. So here goes nothing.

I’m going to start off where I have little experience. And that would be the Rap, Hip Hop, and R&B world. So I know that there’s quite a bit of glorifies musicians that can spew out a sick lyric or some dope beats. Haha, dope beats shows that I’m not from the old school; I am from the school that was torn down to build the old school. Now aggression has its place in music, but it doesn’t have to be tainted with stupidity or hate. So in the spirit of old school beats and aggressive street beats, I’m recommending Cunninlynguists. I know, sweet name, right? But before you all piss your pampers, go look them up. Here, I’ll do part of the leg work. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dupwpHSjADM&feature=related or http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3xi_amm31Wg&feature=related . Both songs are musical, yet conjure the spirit of soul and meaning. Tracks laced with real world experience, rather than a luxurious melody cluster fuck that is, oh, say Jay Z or something. Yeah, hate on me if you want. But that’s how I feel. Take note, music is all feeling. So, if I can’t connect with the ultra rich and their message, but you can, then what are you doing here? Hire a hit man and have me offed. Not really, because that isn’t cool man.

Relate

Next, I’m jumping from the streets into the orchestra. That’s right, I’m talking about the loud power of a full on band making goosebumps all over your sexy body (Enjoy the delusional compliment, unless you really are sexy) So, what booming band will I suggest? Why, none other than ES Posthumus. Yes I know they did a song with Jay Z, but fuck him. I’m talking about some music with no lyrics, but with a majesty all becoming of an epic conquest to the nth degree. Pretty rad if you want my opinion, but I bet you do. Here you go, links. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MTl_hWZt8DA or http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kvsy1ojjEic or even http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yyLStNI5McA . If you feel the urge to hug me, then go murder an ancient Leviathan, than you are still sane and my new friend.

And to round out the picks for today, I’m going with a group that I personally adore more than most other bands. Props to Bryan for them. I’m going The Mars Volta with this one, as the best rock/kick your ear drums in the ball band around. They’re theatrical, loud, poetic and pretty awesome to watch live (Just youtube them for a live show) Well, let’s summarize their music real quick. When Bryan and I sat down the listen to them, we started on their CD Frances the Mute. The opening song actually blew my mind like a thousand hookers made out of chocolate and music notes. Here’s the face we both made:

It looked something like this

I loved it and them. Links of course, so you can understand our beautiful ear suffering.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0OnFKTNC77I Now yo will need some time to sit down and listen to them, seeing how they have quite a few songs pushing 10 minutes and above. But I know from personal experience it’s worth the time. Go out from there and enjoy their work. I mean come on, they look like this.

Serious music orgy kickass men

Alright, tell me what you think about the bands. Leave me comments on the facebook page or here, either works. Also, if you know any bands that you think should be heard, drop me a line. I love to whore out my keyboard to my friends. Toodles

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LCD Soundsystem: Dance Music for White Hipsters

By: Bryan Kress

 

This isn’t another stupid story I wrote, it isn’t about a band I created and then talked about on a blog (but you thought that, didn’t you!?). LCD Soundsystem is a band that two years ago you might not have heard of before, in fact neither did I. You might have heard of them now because of the success of their latest and final (unfortunately) album This Is Happening. Immediately after hearing the opening track Dance Yrself Clean off the latest album I bought all three of their records within a span of a month. Now if you’ve never heard of LCD Soundsystem or maybe you have (good job), read along on my musical/textual journey and learn, love, and grow.

James Murphy, the singer/producer/creative genius of LCD Soundsystem, looks like a middle-aged dad who hasn’t realized he is a middle-aged dad. But shit can he make music.

cool dad

LCD Soundsystem’s first, self-titled, album is so good you’ll shit your brains through your mouth. It’s a double-disc album, the first being brand new songs and the second is a collection of released singles. The first song Daft Punk Is Playing at My House, is an homage to the band Daft Punk and his probable fantasy of Daft Punk playing at his house. The song sets the mood for every LCD Soundsystem album to come. It’s a little funk and a tad punk (pfunk) and puts you in a good-ass mood. Movement the 4th track is like if the MC5 had a synth, it’s an unapologetic mosh song that is driven by the drums of Pat Mahoney. Disco Infiltrator has a great dance beat that I wish was my theme song when I enter a room, especially when the song begins with the line “But all i know, is all i know is the disco infiltrator fo sho”. The second disc starts with James Murphy poking fun at himself and hipster culture with Losing My Edge, “I heard you have a compilation of every good song ever done by anybody”.

LCD Soundsystem’s second album, Sound of Silver, is so good you’ll shit your brain through your mouth. The 3rdtrack North American Scum is a tongue in cheek shout out to ethnocentric North Americans with lines like “we are north americans and for those of you who still think we’re from England we’re not, no.” Someone Great is a synth driven song that shows James Murphy’s techno-y side. Us v Them, is a pfunky little 8.5 minute jam that will make you repeat the line “Us and them over and over again” over and over again, after the song has finished. Then there’s All Of My Friends which is possibly my favorite song ever, ever. It’s song that has Murphy doing his best David Bowie and Pat Mahoney’s drum beat is something to write about (which I am!). This song makes you move in ways you might never have, it makes me forget the world for 8 minutes and transports me to a dance club where only cool people and good music gather.

LCD Soundsystem’s final album, This Is Happening, is pretty good. But seriously it’s so good you’ll shit your brain through your mouth. It start with the song Dance Yrself Clean, which starts with a 3 minute intro with a quiet Murphy singing over a Sympathy For The Devil-ish drumbeat and then, hopefully you didn’t turn up the volume, the synth kicks in like Liam Neeson in Taken, hard and with a vengeance. Mahoney’s drums have that steady, cool rhythm you should have gotten use to by now. Murphy’s amazing vocals take a backseat to the main force of the song, again the synth as for the next 6 minutes you can imagine the song playing as you enter an underground night club in slow motion. The next song Drunk Girls, is a song you might have heard in the trailer for the new movie Cedar Rapids. Drunk Girls is a pfunk attack that will have you clapping along as the band yells “DRUNK GIRLS!” and Murphy sings about “waking up together” and uses his wit on lines like “Just ‘cause you’re hungry doesn’t mean that you’re lean”.  I Can Change is a slow synth jam with a steady drum beat which backs up the focus of the song, Murphy, whose vocals and lyrics have never been better. He sings about not changing because that’s why he fell in love, but then states he can change if it helps you fall in love with him.

All together every album is something to behold. Unfortunately Murphy stated that This Is Happening will be their last album. If the phrase Dance Music for White Hipsters throws you off, it’s okay I was being sarcastic, sorta. White Hipsters are their main draw which I hope will change because LCD Soundsystem is one of the best bands I ever heard. I never even thought I liked dance music until I heard them, if you’re someone who doesn’t like techno, like me (unlike Marco) because it is emotionless, don’t worry because every song has enough soul to revive Marvin Gaye (if the technology existed). And I guarantee you will get the urge to dance after listening to one song. So give LCD Soundsystem a listen because then you can be cool like me.

-Bryan Kress

 

 

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Hipsters and social commentary. How delicious

For just a moment, imagine that everywhere you that doesn’t strictly enforce a “Shoot on sight” policy, everyone there wore beanies, ill fitting tight jeans, and maybe even gauges if that’s your thing. Alright, now where is this imaginary land of overly political, under informed douche bags? If you said all around you, or any other answer that works with this analogy, then you are correct. We, as a nation, have been over run but the youth that loves to carry on about irrelevant bullshit and listen to pretentious music.

Take that Spin magazine. P.S. I need a subscription to your magazine

 

Well, I don’t know what defines a hipster anymore. Everywhere you look there are hip and trendy people, “cool cats” and “lounge lizards”, blacks and Asians. (They’re all cool. See what I’ve done? I trapped you with guilt. If you say they aren’t, then you’re doomed buddy.) Real quick, I want to point out that “blacks” doesn’t need to be capitalized, but “Asians” does. Suspicious, ehh? Crafty little shoe makers, like elves with visual problems. I said it, come at me. I wish I could take credit for this observation, but I am not the first to notice this. I could be the last if the world comes to an abrupt end, but I’m an Optimus. Not and optimist, but a full fledged Optimus Prime. It’s a neat party trick. Also, I’m going to plug another website here. It’s a comic, relax, I know reading makes the erections go away, I’ve been there. So laughs will help. Hipsters included. http://thepunchlineismachismo.com/archives/540

So now that I’m tanking my credibility with statements like those aforementioned, I’m going to keep going on my hipster attack. But not on the side you might think: I’m pro Hipster. Why? Because it’s an easy demographic to fall into, seeing how they expect a lot out of little, or vice versa, depending on the circumstances. Notice that last line was a joke about Hipsters wanting a lot for nothing? Eye opening, isn’t it. But come on, who better to write about them than one of them? A tainted perspective is still a perspective that can be trusted, especially if you want to become more like me. And by that I mean jobless, friendless, and carless. It broke down, and now I have to fix it. Aw Schucks.

But in all honesty, what’s the big deal about hipsters? We pay taxes, occasionally. We stimulate the economy, with illegal downloads of products. Wait, am I arguing for and against my opinion? I am. It’s called an internal dialogue people. (Yes, it’s technically a monologue, but I pretend I have another person in my head. He looks sort of like this)

I hope you got a chuckle out of that.  Now since I don’t want to actually resolve anything with the hipster thing, I’m moving along to social commentary and jokes. Huzzah for all. First, I want you to picture any animal in any movie that is cute and kind. go one?

Here’s my example that sparked this

 

Alright, now let’s just take the cute chipmunks out of their adorable clothing (Furries, calm down), and replace them with something a little less cute.

Oh lord.

 

Now I want you to imagine that poor creatures attempt to have a singing career, Not so fun and pretty, is it? Nope. That would be an awful idea. However, this is a relatively untapped market. Ugly animals trying to do every day things, like become a professional singer or a marketing consultant. Yeah, I bet Hollywood would love the idea. Oh wait, sarcasm doesn’t travel via text as well as it does in person or audio recording. It would be awful, some grotesque vulture trying to make it to manager at McDonald s. Yet I would often drive to that McDonald’s and just watch him attempt daily human life without the evolutionary advantage that is the thumb. Eat it animal kingdom, you and all your evolutionary traits like claws, or fang, or wings… wait, all we got was thumbs? That blows. Guess that’s what we get, because we all know what you would do if you could fly or live underwater some some other goofy scenario. Exactly, become a super hero.

That brings me to my next point: Screw Superheros. Oh look, you can fly and have heat vision and stuff. What about the average man who has to struggle with E.D., or V.D.? I think all Superheros should have to maintain the appearance of regular people when in disguise, but they have to have some major flaw. Like, have The Flash walk around as a homeless man who makes sculptures out of materials that smell oddly like poo. Now that’s a superhero.

Alright, so I attacked animals, people and super people. What’s left for today? You tell me.

Aren’t they so… cute?

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Television is the epitome of gathered ignorance

Don’t trust my title? Good, that shows character. Just for a moment, I want you to think about how much tv you watch in a day, or a week. Now, I’m not telling you to be ashamed by the sheer volume of time being wasted in your fleetingly short life; rather I’m implying it. Not the point though. Now, out of all that time, how much of it was something of quality? To help you figure this out, I’ve constructed a formula, but rather than show off my nerdy genius, I will use a word problem. We all know people skip formulas in math books.

A+B=C

What a crock of shit ^

 

If you could get back all the time in the past week that you spent watching television, but sacrificed the knowledge gained, would you come out ahead? Feel that crushing feeling? That’s you realizing that you’re literally just breathing and wasting oxygen that other people could better use.

You Asshole

 

But I digress. Wait, no I don’t. I reached a point of true fury when a commercial came on that had an elderly lady say “I didn’t know arthritis affected my joints.” I mean come now, does anyone else notice the big elephant in the room? He’s not pink because that’s profiling. You’re better than that people. Seriously, what’s next? Will it be shocking that Alzheimer’s affects your memory? Well, if you’re the person with it I suppose that could be news. Daily news at that. 😀

You’re Welcome

Here’s my point: Go out and learn something. Or at least pretend to surf channels on tv that supply you with info. We all need some brain food, including zombies. Bet ya’ didn’t think I’d sneak the undead in here, now did ya’? And that’s what the necrophiliac said. Goodnight

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